Last week I shared with all of you my proposed plan to cast Chris Brown out to sea, emancipated of his fame, and explained why it would undoubtedly be best for everyone. Then I shared my idea to hold a mirror up to the orange, leathery face of Donald Trump to expose his inadequacies as a human being, after which I outlined my plot to put The Kardashian sisters to work at menial, dangerous jobs in the name of giving them some perspective on the world. This week I’ll be concluding my list of famous wrong-doers and spilling my opinions on how they should be dealt with all over your brand new shoes in the process.
So with that in mind, keep your receipt handy while I hammer out:
Setting Chris Brown Adrift (and 5 other deviously appropriate celebrity punishments) PART 2
3.The Guy From The Ataris needs a time out
I didn’t know his name so I naturally assumed that you wouldn’t either. For the two people that might care, it’s Kristopher Roe. A name you’ve already forgotten if you’re anything like me. But that’s okay, both because The Ataris were little more than a fart that slipped out after the real turds of that trend had already passed, and because it’s not coming up on any exam you’ll be writing unless you’re taking Egocentric Douchebags 101.
As taught by professor Midlife McCrisis.
Anyway, Roe-bro and co. were playing a show, no doubt in the name of trying to scrape together enough change to eat this month, somewhere in New Jersey.
It was going about as well as an Ataris show could be expected to until at some point during the set, Roe, apparently dissatisfied with his drummer’s performance to the point of psychotic frenzy, simply went ballistic. Positively spastic with fury, he plunged his guitar into the drum kit mid-song and began screaming obscenities while straight up lobbing stands and cymbals at the terrified drummer in a dangerous-as-fuck manner. He was also kind enough to kick over a snare borrowed from another band, as if their gig opening for The Ataris wasn’t unfortunate enough to begin with.
In all fairness, yeah, the drummer was failing, and by many accounts had been for several previous shows as well. Anyone who’s been in a band and played live knows how it feels when someone’s not pulling their weight. It’s unbelievably frustrating, both for the people trying to hold it together and the person who isn’t able to. The nods and glances at him earlier in the set were completely warranted, and attempts to count him back into time were helpful, rational ways to deal with the situation.
Naturally, the next logical step was hobo-murdering levels of insanity, as seen at 4:45
Try your best to work the words “rational, helpful and completely warranted” into a sentence explaining Roe’s outburst without involving the words “exact motherfucking opposite of”. Go on, I’ll wait.
It was a dick move, plain and simple. I don’t care how important you think you are, or how angry you are about not being important. You save that shit for the van and work it out like a goddamn gentleman. Oh, what’s that Mr. culturally irrelevant, two-hit, mainstream radio whore? You wanna play rockstar? Then at least do it properly. Deal with your seething self-hatred though a series of expensive addictions and meaningless sexual conquests. Direct your public meltdowns at people who aren’t stuck on a stage with you. Date what’s left of Pamela Anderson if you have to. For the love of god just don’t do anything like that ever again.
It’s worth noting that they posted a response video a few weeks later outlining the details of the incident in lieu of a“Bullshit form letter, like most bands would do”, which unsurprisingly would have probably come across as way more appropriate and professional in the form of a bullshit form letter, like most bands would do.
In the video, Roe, while flanked by two remarkably awkward, uncomfortably silent beards at whom he apparently hasn’t thrown anything yet, proceeds to defend himself by reading a speech from his Iphone, saying that the drummer was shit-faced and useless that night to the point that he couldn’t play the simplest of beats. Roe understandably got pretty pissed off about it and even though he admittedly could’ve handled it better, he simply reached a breaking point that culminated in what he called his “Chaotic drum freak-out”, which sounds a little bit like an Instant in Magic The Gathering.
Regardless, it was a transparent attempt to explain away his outburst and justify his actions. Even though there were moments in his six minute rant that are difficult to disagree with, he’s mostly just absolving himself of blame with subversive smears at the drummer, while going out of his way to tell everyone he’d never smear the drummer. He also doles out a few other embarrassing clichés about how “This is rock and roll” and “Shit happens”, some ham-fisted remarks about the future of the band, and generally just dances around the issue of the apology that he should have just manned up and presented to begin with. He never apologizes, by the way.
Of all the infractions listed here, chances are this one is the most minor. All the guy did was lose his temper on a dude who sort of had it coming, and according to witnesses, he filled out the remainder of their time by playing an all-request acoustic set for the crowd, to the sheer delight and genuine enthusiasm of Kristopher Roe and presumably no one else.
But excuses and rationalizations a sound defense do not make, and there is little doubt of Roe’s wrongdoing in the matter, having reviewed the evidence above. As such, a fitting punishment must suit the nature of the infraction by being both unabashedly childish and relatively innocuous, when weighed against the others on this list.
So what I’m proposing is a time out. Having fits and throwing things around to get your way is something toddlers do, so it’s only appropriate that he be disciplined like one. Let’s book a massive stadium show at which he simply sits at the corner of the stage for the duration of the night thinking about what he’s done while everyone else has a blast. I can’t speak for everyone, but I’d happily fork over my sorta-hard earned money to see that. Let’s just plop him on a stool directly adjacent to the spotlight and forbid him to say or do anything but idly sit there in silence being judged and ridiculed by a large gathering of his peers until the negative reinforcement helps him realize what an embarrassing goon he’s been.
There’s nothing more shameful or cringe-worthy than an artist whose relevance is years past its expiry date floundering through a PR blunder and achieving the most notoriety he’s managed to suss out of his flailing career in years. Not only does its instant viral popularity reflect poorly on society at large, it’s also just plain sad to see a grown-ass man acting like a spoiled little boy, and I legitimately believe that a few minutes on the naughty chair would drive home the point that the delusional, self-obsessed diva moments of burnt-out pseudo celebrities belong on reality TV and absolutely nowhere else.
2. Snooki’s Mandatory Scholarship Program
A “Snooki”, for the blissfully uninformed, is an astoundingly tiny, unnervingly loud, perpetually intoxicated, sex-crazed Oompa Loompa who has made a living being stupid, drunk and orange.
We know her name because of the cultural ebola virus that is Jersey Shore, the recent cancellation of which instantly raised the global intelligence quotient by a staggering 12 points per individual, including the cast of Jersey Shore.
Which would put this guy at a solid 11.
Hey, remember when she had a child? Of course you do. It was headline news for months. Well, it shouldn’t have been. Stupid people having children is neither newsworthy nor something anyone in their right mind should praise. Here, in bold italics for dramatic effect, is the reason why:
The world has enough stupid people, and we should not encourage them to make more.
But aside from reproducing, which is a crime in and of itself, Snooki has also wronged the world simply by existing at such a low level of cognitive functionality. She wears her hapless ignorance with such pride and confidence that it’s almost endearing, if you find the absolute absence of thought and reason endearing.
The worst part of it is that a lot of people do find it charming. She’s alarmingly popular, which does not bode well for a race that takes great pride in calling themselves ‘civilized’, considering that Snooki’s very status as a celebrity renders the word ‘civilization’ at the very least, carelessly flippant and at most, drastically and embarrassingly overstated.
So in summary, her crime is making people think it’s cool to be stupid, which it most assuredly is not, or at least shouldn’t be.
Snooki’s estimated net worth as of 2012 puts her at about $4 million, which is less than a house for most actual celebs, but certainly a lot more than most of us regular non-famous folk will ever have. A person like her making money like that is positive reinforcement for negative behaviour, plain and simple. It is absolutely imperative that we repair the damage set by this precedent, and I know just the way to do it;
Every cent of that $4 million should go to education for people who can’t afford it. While she’s been getting hammered and boning everything with spiked hair and abs, an entire generation has been slowly drowning in debt trying to put together a life so they won’t end up like that. They’re studying their way into financial ruin while she fucks her way to success.
She doesn’t deserve any of the luxury she lives in. She should have it unceremoniously stripped from her and put towards an investment in the future. An insurance policy promising that someday there will be less goddamn Snookis running around. A small step towards righting the unforgivable mistake that is everything she and her ilk represent.
Rather than showering the ignorant and shameless in cash and burying those that seek knowledge in crippling debt, let’s flip that equation around. Let’s fine Snooki for being a dumbass.
1. Letting Michael Vick’s career go to the dogs
We all know this one. Big time football superstar gets caught in the centre of a brutal dog-fighting scandal and ends up sitting out a few games on the bench behind bars for it. Only to emerge, apparently rehabilitated, to pick up his career where it left off as if nothing ever happened at all.
All the while wearing a shit eating grin of Chris Rock proportions.
So that’s that, then. He did his time, paid his debt to society, crapped out a few half assed animal rights PSA’S and is just allowed to go back to being a horrendously overpaid role-model for aspiring young sociopaths, right? No dice, asshole. Not on my watch. While the list of things people do to infuriate me is by no means short, I have a special reserve of vitriolic bile fermenting in an oak cask for irredeemable fiends like Vick that abuse animals, only to half-heartedly feign remorse when caught and brought to justice.
It is for that reason alone that Vick will be the only offender on this list for whom I recommend a reprisal that entails potentially disfiguring physical endangerment, a recourse I’ve made conscious efforts to avoid, as it is my personal opinion that to suggest or carry out violent acts against someone with whom you disagree or resent only renders you just as bad, if not worse, than they are. I’m making an exception in this case to ensure his punishment will be suitably painful, but will still take measures to keep things decidedly non-lethal.
Yet another in the long list of things I have in common with Batman.
It’s been said a thousand times that a fitting penance for Vick would be getting mauled by the very animals he once forced to maul each other, and it’s hard to find fault in a suggestion that air-tight.
However, to simply lock him in a cage and let the animals have at him would be too easy, and in earnest, rather boring. It would also end entirely too quickly for my taste, leaving Vick with the chance to treat his wounds and once again resume being the darling of his team in the NFL.
But I do very much like the idea of the sharp, vicious teeth of canine vengeance puncturing his smug, unrepentant flesh, and not just because of my namesake as The Monolith’s resident Attack Dog. I just think we should put a bit of a spin on it, to make it just that much more suitable to the nature of both the crime, and the criminal.
Here’s what I’m proposing: Mikey wants to keep playing football, right? Despite his inhumane actions, he’s actually pretty good at it. Let’s play to those strengths. Rather than simply shutting him in a room with some angry dogs and letting justice run its course, let’s make this a little more sporting , and a lot more entertaining.
Let’s set up a special football league, just for him. A league that consists of nothing but Michael Vick and hundreds upon hundreds of angry dogs. All the teams, aside from him, will consist of angry dogs. The crowd will consist of angry dogs. The refs, commentators, managers, coaches and camera operators will all consist of, you guessed it, angry fucking dogs.
After this league has been carefully drafted and dewormed, we’ll force Vick to play an entire regulation 16 game season, and before each game he’ll be stripped naked, save for steel bands protecting his vital arteries and organs, and thoroughly doused with raw meat juices, gravy, and the pheromones of bitches in heat. Also, instead of a football, he’ll be running around carrying a glazed ham stuffed with Kibbles and Bits.
Something tells me that after two or three games in this specialty league, Vick, or what’s left of him, will have had some time to mull over his actions toward the canine community, and in all likelihood will probably wish he’d been a little nicer to humanities furry, fiercely loyal best friends.
The only humans aside from Vick that should be present at these games are seasoned medical technicians to keep him alive enough to continue playing, as well as veterinary professionals to ensure the health and well-being of the dogs because it is absolutely imperative that no animals are harmed in the mauling of that bastard.
After Vick’s sentence has run its course, it’s time to let the grudge go, and allow his life to slowly resume some semblance of normality, letting his physical and emotional scars serve as reminders not to re-offend. The same goes for everyone I’ve mentioned here. To err is human, and it is not just the celebrities among us that have made regrettable choices. We’ve all done things of which we are not proud, and the measure of a good person lies not in how they avoid their mistakes, but how they learn from the results. It’s not about being cruel or vindictive out of spite or hatred. It’s about demanding accountability from those who act as though they are above it. It’s about enforcing basic human decency upon those that neglect to enforce it upon themselves.
That being said, the world is certainly not suffering a shortage of idiotic douchebags, so there very well might be another episode of this list somewhere in the future. Keep your eyes peeled for that.
In the meantime, did this list overlook your favorite target of ire? Should it have been longer? Do you disagree with my assertions and verdicts? Were you dissatisfied with the overall quality of your Trendshredder today? Well fuck you! Writing is hard!
Just kidding, handsome. Please, help me improve by telling me how I could have served you better in the comments below, or email me your complaints/suggestions/death threats/noodz directly at: Leviathan@themonolith.com
Until next week, Merry Christmas to all and a heartfelt reminder not to be a dick.