Chicagoans Alaya face The Monolith firing squad at Tech Fest 2014
We interviewed a lot of bands at Tech Fest this year. In 2013 we got about four or five. This year we got close to thirty.
Best get on with it then!
We went with an bit of a different format this year: we had a list of about forty questions, and we got each band to pick numbers and we’d ask the corresponding question. Some were fairly standard, whilst others were more…challenging. As the weekend progressed, we got a bit of a reputation…
We’ve not transcribed in any particular order, so they’ll come to you as we deem fit. We start with trans-Atlantic travellers Alaya, a three-piece from Chicago signed to Basick Records. Tech Fest was their UK debut show, coming off the back of the release of their debut album Thrones (which we reviewed here).
Quigs: Who the fuck are you and why should we care?
E: I’m Evan, I play guitar and do vocals.
M: I’m Mike, and I play bass.
D: I’m Dave, and I play drums.
E: We’re Alaya, and you should care because we care.
Q: The spouse of the person you’re fucking comes home; where do you hide?
M: Under the bed, so I can still hear her getting fucked by her husband.
Q: (Laughs) So he’ll finish it off?
M: (Laughs) Yep, that’s how it’s done!
E: I would bet on my speed, and run.
D: I would run right into her vagina, and hide there.
M: Oh, that’s even better, I like that one the best!
Q: (Laughs) I just love the idea that he walks in and you’re (mimes one foot in vagina) “I’ll just be a minute mate!”
D: (Laughs) Just your head’s sticking out, as you work backwards.
Q: What if he tries to stick it in?
E: Remember that giving birth costume?
M: (Laughs) Oh yeah!
D: Sounds amazing.
Q: If you could time travel to any gig in history, where would you go?
D: Yanni, live at the Acropolis in 1993.
M: Hmmm, that’s a good one. That’s a REALLY good one.
E: I would probably see The Beatles at Shea Stadium, or Metallica anytime in 1987.
M: Yeah, I would say a Metallica, any time on the Master Of Puppets tour.
Q: Would you rather, watch your parents have sex every single day of your lives, or join in once to make it stop?
E: (Laughs) Oh my God.
M: (Laughs) OH WOW! The entire rest of your life?
D: Someone else’s parents, or does it have to be your parents?
E: Every day? I’m not sure my parents have sex everyday…
Q: Just whenever they have sex.
E: Oh, well that’s not that bad then.
M: But they have sex every day?
Q: Yeah. Which I realise isn’t very realistic for long term married couples, though I hope that this entire dilemma isn’t very realistic.
M: What’s involved in joining in?
Q: Fucking them.
M: What, fuck your Mom and your Dad?
Q: Yeah, just have a threesome with them?
M: Yeah, but sometimes in a threesome somebody gets left out.
D: (Laughs) Oh no, you’re not getting left out.
M: Oh, I gotta get in there?
D: Yeah, you’re getting it PACKED.
M: Oh man, my Mom’s gonna read this, I don’t know if I can answer this question.
D: I’d rather watch my parents.
E: Yeah, I’d have to watch.
M: Yeah, me too.
D: We’d all watch, our parents are all….Uh!
M: Yeah, I can’t fuck my Dad.
D: Evan’s Mom’s not so bad.
Q: Who’s got the band MILF?
(Dave and Mike look at Evan and start laughing.)
D & M: The MILFiest of the three would have to be Evan’s Mum.
Q: You’re given a boat, what would you name it? It can’t be your band name.
E: The ship in Jaws is called Orca. That’s pretty cool.
M: That’s a pretty good one.
D: I would name it The Monolith.
Group: WAHEY! (Laughs)
Q: Extra points! So what’s your karaoke song?
D: What is a karaoke song?
Q: No, what’s YOUR karaoke song.
E: “Enter Sandman“.
M: “This Magic Moment“, dude.
D: “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen.
Q: You’re stranded on a desert island, which band member do you eat first?
E: Eat? Oh no, that’s not fair!
M: Probably have to eat Dave, he’s got the most muscle mass. Know what I mean?
D: NO! NO! I don’t get eaten!
E: Mike’ll taste like cigarettes.
M: Yeah, I would taste like cigarettes.
D: Evan’ll taste like hair.
E: Yeah, fuck that.
M: Yeah, so we’re eating you Dave.
Q: Which other band on the Tech Fest line-up could you comfortably beat in a fight?
E: Well, we’re only a three piece so it’s not entirely fair.
D: ALL. All of them.
Q: The Algorithm?
D: We’ll take them all DOWN.
Chris: There’s a few solo acts here, so you’re not at the worst disadvantage.
Q: Jon Gomm.
E: Yeah, Jon Gomm would be going down.
Q: Funnily enough, every band here is feeling really confident about fighting. Simon really needs to get an arena for next year.
D: Well, they shouldn’t be!
C: Although, Rémi from The Algorithm said he’d fight himself because he’d definitely win there.
D: I’d fight Evan.
Q: Don’t you kinda need him?
All: No. (Laughs)
D: I’d fight Evan, I know better than to attack his filangies.
E: I’d just be this bloody pulp with hands and I could still play.
Q: Would you rather be trapped in a swimming pool with a great white shark, or a basement with a bear?
E: Holy shit!
M: How big’s the swimming pool?
Q: Pretty big.
M: Pretty big? So, the shark has the ability to swim around and get you.
Q: Imagine that you’re stuck in the middle, and the shark is circling you.
M: I’d take the bear dude.
D: I would take the shark. Sharks don’t like human flesh, bears do.
Q: Bears just kill for fun.
E: There must be somewhere you can get into. Can you get behind the wall?
M: There’s definitely more opportunities for escape in a basement.
C: Imagine your basement.
E: Oh, in that case I would TOTALLY take the basement.
E: There’s no weapons, but there’s plenty of places to lock yourself in.
M: Oh yeah, you’re fine. Basement all the way dude.
D: Great white sharks are pussies.
E: Can you get out of the pool?
Q: If you make it.
E: Ah ok.
C: Just thrash around.
E: No way, because I can get out of the windowwell in my basement.
M: Oh, that’s true.
E: A pool, you’re just…
Q: Well, you’re in its home. With the bear at least you’re on firm ground. Are you as good a swimmer as a shark?
D: I’m a horrible swimmer. But I’d still choose the shark.
Q: There’s more people walking around on earth that have been mauled by a shark, rather than killed by a shark. You can’t say the same for bears.
D: Exactly. Bear’s gonna kill your ass.
Q: Did you ever see The Grizzly Man?
D: Yeah, bears will eat you alive.
Q: Yeah, they just found the guy’s ribcage.
E: That movie is awesome.
Q: What would be your specialist subject on Mastermind?
D: Steven King novels.
E: I wouldn’t do shit with that.
M: Yeah, Dave would have to rock that one for us.
E: Killer whales.
M: There you go.
E: Or Metallica songs.
M: Oh shit, you would kill Metallica songs.
E: Alaya is basically Metallica with orcas.
Q: It might be poo, it might be chocolate – how do you find out?
M: I don’t find out man, I just leave it alone, I hate poo.
D: Sniff test!
Q: Oh, so you’re doing well with those toilets then Mike?
M: I won’t shit in there, man.
E: You like rimjobs!
M: Oh, yeah!
D: So shut up! You’re not terrified of poo, you love rimjobs!
M: That’s just a butthole, that’s not poo.
D: That’s where the poo comes from, Mike.
M: I understand that.
E: It’s a very misleading question because, is the shit wrapped like a Hershey bar, or is it in a pile on the ground? Because I’m not eating chocolate off the ground anyway.
Q: It’s in a bowl.
M: It’s in a bowl?
M: It’s pretty easy to look at something in a bowl and determine whether it’s shit or chocolate though, just by looking at it.
D: Mix it with ice cream and then taste it. That’s the only way to know.
E: Do you think if you eat enough chocolate, you could shit something that kinda tastes like chocolate?
M: Who’s asking the questions here dude? (puts on voice) Let’s ask you a question Monolith.
Q: I think you should put it to the test.
E: Like, what if I just ate… what ones are my favourite? Those ones in the yellow wrapper with the peanuts in them…
M: Mr Goodbar, dude.
E: Yeah, Mr Goodbar! If I ate only Mr Goodbar for an entire week, I bet… because you get a little peanut in there and everything.
M: Yeah man, nutty.
C: Now we come to the question from the previous band…
Q: … which was disgusting! They get to ask you one, and you get to ask the next band one. So…would you rather consume some of your mother’s period blood, or your father’s dick cheese?
M: Dick cheeeeeese?
C: Jesus, I wasn’t here for that!
M: I’ll take the period blood. It’s got a much higher iron content. (Laughs)
E: Yeah, but you love cheese?
M: Yeah, I know I love cheese, but … I’m big into my dairy, you know, but that’s a different thing altogether.
E: Yeah, I guess the liquid, because it can go down faster.
M: What, like a shot of period blood? Down the hatch, perhaps mix a little chaser for it?
E: That’s not a fair question dude.
D: It’s gross.
Q: Yeah, it’s horrible. Blame the last band. So, what question would you like to inflict on the next band?
E: Dave, what about one of those disgusting would you rather questions we were talking about?
M: Oh yeah, yeah. One of them definitely.
E: What’s the best one? Didn’t you have one that I wouldn’t answer?
M: Oh yeah, the one that nearly made him barf. Do you remember that one?
E: I don’t think it was one of those was it?
D: It was, yeah.
M: It was pretty good actually.
Q: Oh God.
D: the question was “Would you rather suck off twenty elderly, sick old men, or go down on two morbidly obese women, with the consistency of nacho cheese?
Q: Jesus Christ. Thanks for that.
Catch our report on Alaya’s set in Sunday’s live feature here! Stay tuned for the forseeable future for many more interviews…