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Collisions take on our our Tech Fest questions

CollisionsContinuing our sporadic and ongoing interviews conducted at Tech Fest – in which we sat down with what seems like a hundred or so bands and asked them to pick their own questions blindly from a list of 40 – here’s the transcript of our chat with south coast drum & bass/metal crossover band Collisions.

We have a lot of time for these guys. Their Friday evening after-party set got a lot of people grooving, and was the perfect foil for a day of very technical, but for the most part not very danceable material.

We got the whole lot – bassist Spud, singer Olly, drummer Will and guitarist Andy – together round a bench and slung around topics like banning shit music and noise complaints, faffing, and manning up and being a motherfucker…

Simon: Who the fuck are you and why should we care?

Spud: Well, we are Collisions from Brighton and you should care because…

Andy: Caring’s very important. “Apathy is the death of the soul”.

Olly: It’s very important to care about…things.

Andy: Yeah. Maybe not specifically us, but…

Spud: Caring about something is always good.

S: Would you rather watch your parents have sex every day of your life, or join in once to stop it?

Will: Watch every day.

Spud: With a big smile.

Olly: Individually or as a band, do we have to give an answer?

S: Either or, really.

Spud: So if it were just a band answer, would it be all our parents in the same room at the same time having sex?

S: I guess that could happen.

(unanimously) – That could get weird.

S: That’s the tipping point.

Andy: No I think you’ve just got to man up and participate once, get it done, then be in psychotherapy for a very long time.

Will:…No. Just no.

Andy: Man up and be a motherfucker.

S: The object in front of you might be poo, or it might be chocolate. How do you find out?

Will: Taste it.

Spud: Hahaha, straight in there!

Will: Poke it.

Andy: I personally would smell it.

Spud: Massage your fingers into it.

Will: Compare it to the Bristol Poo Chart.

Spud: Someone said there were actually some Americans trying to make this kind of funny TV thing where they made up some chocolate mousse and stuck it in a baby’s nappy, and then a guy would just pull it out of the bin. Even though you knew it was chocolate, it was just like that’s still just…not right. But yeah, sniff it I suppose.

S: What question should we ask the next band?

Olly: Greatest sexual experience. No no, worst sexual experience. Or most humiliating sexual experience.

S: Toilet paper: over the top or underneath?

Andy: Underneath.

Spud: Over the top.

Olly: What do you mean? Like *makes some gesture* or like that *another gesture*.

Spud: No, the roll.

Olly: Oh, THE ROLL. Was like, what’re you talking about?! I mean I’d expect that from Andy, but…

Spud: It’s clearly not under, guys!

Andy: I’ve skewed me lancer!

Olly: Punch yourself in the testicles. Headbutt the doorway.

Will: That’s what my mate does, anyway.

S: Clean your arse by eating toilet paper.

Will: Yeah, you pull it down don’t you? So underneath.

Spud: No, it’s over the top. Because then you see where the break is on the paper, so you can tear it. You guys are Neanderthals, man!

Olly: No, underneath, it’s at the back, because it’s controlled, compact, efficient, practical.

Spud – You get your toilet paper from BMW, don’t you?

Olly: I have no idea how to respond.

S: You’re in charge of the country for an hour, you can make one thing legal and one thing illegal. What are they?

Olly: Both carnage and amusement.

Spud: I think what I would do to make something legal is I would abolish live music licenses, so you can literally just set up anywhere.

Olly: But it would take an hour to set up, so if you only had an hour, you wouldn’t be able to do anything.

Spud: Well if you’re in for an hour, you can push it to make it law.

Olly: Oh I see, I thought that thing was legal or illegal for an hour.

S: No, no, in perpetuity.

Spud: In that bill I’d also make complaining about noise, I’d abolish that. Noise complaints – illegal. As long as it’s good music, that would be my judge.

Andy: I guess you could then make bad music illegal.

Olly: Well yeah but who decides?

Will: Well apparently, him.

Olly: Oh, Christ…

Spud: The thing is, bad music, when you first get in a band and make music, everything you make for the first couple of years, because you’re learning and stuff, is generally bad.

Andy: Does everyone have to have the same haircut in this dystopian society?

Spud: Yes, everyone has to look like me.

Will: The same colour eyes…I imagine it’d be like Nineteen Eighty-Four, but the thing with dystopian dictatorships is it’s normally rather well organised. I really wouldn’t worry too much.

S: A laissez-faire dictatorship.

Olly: So something illegal…

Will: Emotion?

Olly - In Collisions Utopia, it’d pretty much be like Equilibrium but very loud. You can hear the gunshots over the sound of very bad music being played. But no-one feeling anything.

Andy: All tinnitus and no feeling.

Olly: A bit like Download.

S: Wouldn’t that render music pointless?

Olly: To be honest, I think it already is, pretty much! Not in a bad way.

S: Ooh, satire! What would be your specialist subject on Mastermind?

Oli: Christ. “The bleeding obvious.”

Andy: “Your specialist subject is casual observation”.

S: This is not Blockbuster, or Catchphrase.

Spud: I thought it’d be like Batman or something like that.

Olly: Or something like DC comic books.

Andy: No, I’m not that good on them.

Olly: We’ll go with really easy and obvious questions.

Andy: That’s the loophole. That’s the way to cheat Mastermind.

Olly: No-one goes on Mastermind to cheat, that defeats the objective of it!

S: Which other band on the Tech-Fest bill could you comfortably beat in a fight?

Spud: Seething Akira.

Andy: Ooh, I’ve heard they’re quite hench, all those guys look a bit gunny. Oh I know! The Algorithm! Because there’s only two of them! One small French guy, I’m pretty sure we could take him.

Olly: It’s two against one, innit?

Spud: So I think we’d just about probably cope.

S: I think Jon Gomm is going to get a pretty hefty beating from this batch of interviews, for much the same reason.

Andy: Oh yeah, one of the solo artists. Particularly one of the smaller ones. If he’s in a wheelchair, all the better.

Spud: We’ll say Akira. We’re gonna meet them in a car park later.

Olly: It’s gonna get West Side Story up in here.

Will: That’s why we’re going to Portsmouth, to fight it out.

S: That is what you do in Portsmouth. Other than music, what’s your biggest or best talent or skill?

Olly: Faffing.

Spud: Being uncomfortably late. Always have been 20 minutes late, gold star. I am so skilful that I actually make things move in my journey to actually fuck myself up.

Andy: It is a perpetual aura; whatever variable could potentially go wrong, it does.

Spud: It’s like The Truman Show, you know the scene where he’s trying to actually get out? Suddenly all the cars come out and get in the way – that’s me, trying to get somewhere on time, it’s fucking mental.

Olly: I have the power to make things disappear, I can’t ever find shit ever. Literally, absent-mindedly put stuff down and then it’s gone. How many times have I lost your car keys?

Andy: Enough. More than enough.

S: With you faffing, and you losing everything, it’s a wonder you actually play any shows, really.

Olly: Well exactly.

Spud: Every show is definitely a journey.

Will: Spiritually, mentally, physically.

Olly: We’re trying to work on an idea for the album cover, and what I think it’s going to be is a catastrophe curve. All these things that managed not to fuck up to allow Collisions to happen.

Will: Circle Of Fuck-Ups.

Oli: Circle Of Strife!

S: You are stranded on a desert island, which band member do you eat first?

Olly: Will, he’s very tender.

Spud: The thing is, right, Andy has nothing on him. Oli is…I imagine you’d be toxified. And Will’s lean and muscly…but the thing is I wouldn’t want to eat Will first because he’d be a value to the team.

Will: I’ll make your hair into a pillow!

Olly: I think practically it wouldn’t be a good thing but I think I’d eat Andy. Because then the catastrophe curve would be tremendous. I guarantee the second he has an accident, eighty ships come in line. Nothing personal but I’ve gotta get out of here. It’s you or me, I had the cast of vote, I choose me. Did anyone ever answer that question going “I’ll take my own life”?

S: We had one of those, yeah. There was one going “Yeah, it’s obviously going to be me”.

Andy: There’s always that one member that you beat down enough, isn’t there?

S: Would you rather have legs as long as your fingers or fingers as long as your legs?

Spud: Wow. We sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t we boys?

Olly: I think I’ve gotta go with legs as long as my fingers. You have wheelchairs and so on.

Spud: Fingers as long as your legs would be really impractical.

Andy: We are all about the practicality!

Olly: How are you going to play piano apart from really far away? Clank clank clank. Having said that, you would never need a remote control ever again.

Spud: Yes true, because they would be as long as legs but not actually leg appendages.

Olly: I would definitely go with fingers as long as my legs.

Spud: You would be like Count Orlock [Nosferatu].

Olly: And if ever I needed to file my nails or anything, I’d just drag them across the floor. There you go. Leg-fingers. Lingers.

S: I always think with that, you end up with ten of them…So you’d sort of scuttle.

Oli: Yeah! That’s how you’d perambulate.

Andy: That’d be quite cool actually.

Will: Maybe, just maybe you’d become Spiderman.

Olly: It’d be like having ten punt poles on your fingers, if you were sculling.

S: You’d be your own boat race team, all in one.

Collisions are almost always playing shows, or have something on the horizon, so keep an eye on their tour dates page here.

Simon

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