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Collisions take on our our Tech Fest questions

CollisionsContinuing our sporadic and ongoing interviews conducted at Tech Fest – in which we sat down with what seems like a hundred or so bands and asked them to pick their own questions blindly from a list of 40 – here’s the transcript of our chat with south coast drum & bass/metal crossover band Collisions.

We have a lot of time for these guys. Their Friday evening after-party set got a lot of people grooving, and was the perfect foil for a day of very technical, but for the most part not very danceable material.

We got the whole lot – bassist Spud, singer Olly, drummer Will and guitarist Andy – together round a bench and slung around topics like banning shit music and noise complaints, faffing, and manning up and being a motherfucker…

Simon: Who the fuck are you and why should we care?

Spud: Well, we are Collisions from Brighton and you should care because…

Andy: Caring’s very important. “Apathy is the death of the soul”.

Olly: It’s very important to care about…things.

Andy: Yeah. Maybe not specifically us, but…

Spud: Caring about something is always good.

S: Would you rather watch your parents have sex every day of your life, or join in once to stop it?

Will: Watch every day.

Spud: With a big smile.

Olly: Individually or as a band, do we have to give an answer?

S: Either or, really.

Spud: So if it were just a band answer, would it be all our parents in the same room at the same time having sex?

S: I guess that could happen.

(unanimously) – That could get weird.

S: That’s the tipping point.

Andy: No I think you’ve just got to man up and participate once, get it done, then be in psychotherapy for a very long time.

Will:…No. Just no.

Andy: Man up and be a motherfucker.

S: The object in front of you might be poo, or it might be chocolate. How do you find out?

Will: Taste it.

Spud: Hahaha, straight in there!

Will: Poke it.

Andy: I personally would smell it.

Spud: Massage your fingers into it.

Will: Compare it to the Bristol Poo Chart.

Spud: Someone said there were actually some Americans trying to make this kind of funny TV thing where they made up some chocolate mousse and stuck it in a baby’s nappy, and then a guy would just pull it out of the bin. Even though you knew it was chocolate, it was just like that’s still just…not right. But yeah, sniff it I suppose.

S: What question should we ask the next band?

Olly: Greatest sexual experience. No no, worst sexual experience. Or most humiliating sexual experience.

S: Toilet paper: over the top or underneath?

Andy: Underneath.

Spud: Over the top.

Olly: What do you mean? Like *makes some gesture* or like that *another gesture*.

Spud: No, the roll.

Olly: Oh, THE ROLL. Was like, what’re you talking about?! I mean I’d expect that from Andy, but…

Spud: It’s clearly not under, guys!

Andy: I’ve skewed me lancer!

Olly: Punch yourself in the testicles. Headbutt the doorway.

Will: That’s what my mate does, anyway.

S: Clean your arse by eating toilet paper.

Will: Yeah, you pull it down don’t you? So underneath.

Spud: No, it’s over the top. Because then you see where the break is on the paper, so you can tear it. You guys are Neanderthals, man!

Olly: No, underneath, it’s at the back, because it’s controlled, compact, efficient, practical.

Spud – You get your toilet paper from BMW, don’t you?

Olly: I have no idea how to respond.

S: You’re in charge of the country for an hour, you can make one thing legal and one thing illegal. What are they?

Olly: Both carnage and amusement.

Spud: I think what I would do to make something legal is I would abolish live music licenses, so you can literally just set up anywhere.

Olly: But it would take an hour to set up, so if you only had an hour, you wouldn’t be able to do anything.

Spud: Well if you’re in for an hour, you can push it to make it law.

Olly: Oh I see, I thought that thing was legal or illegal for an hour.

S: No, no, in perpetuity.

Spud: In that bill I’d also make complaining about noise, I’d abolish that. Noise complaints – illegal. As long as it’s good music, that would be my judge.

Andy: I guess you could then make bad music illegal.

Olly: Well yeah but who decides?

Will: Well apparently, him.

Olly: Oh, Christ…

Spud: The thing is, bad music, when you first get in a band and make music, everything you make for the first couple of years, because you’re learning and stuff, is generally bad.

Andy: Does everyone have to have the same haircut in this dystopian society?

Spud: Yes, everyone has to look like me.

Will: The same colour eyes…I imagine it’d be like Nineteen Eighty-Four, but the thing with dystopian dictatorships is it’s normally rather well organised. I really wouldn’t worry too much.

S: A laissez-faire dictatorship.

Olly: So something illegal…

Will: Emotion?

Olly - In Collisions Utopia, it’d pretty much be like Equilibrium but very loud. You can hear the gunshots over the sound of very bad music being played. But no-one feeling anything.

Andy: All tinnitus and no feeling.

Olly: A bit like Download.

S: Wouldn’t that render music pointless?

Olly: To be honest, I think it already is, pretty much! Not in a bad way.

S: Ooh, satire! What would be your specialist subject on Mastermind?

Oli: Christ. “The bleeding obvious.”

Andy: “Your specialist subject is casual observation”.

S: This is not Blockbuster, or Catchphrase.

Spud: I thought it’d be like Batman or something like that.

Olly: Or something like DC comic books.

Andy: No, I’m not that good on them.

Olly: We’ll go with really easy and obvious questions.

Andy: That’s the loophole. That’s the way to cheat Mastermind.

Olly: No-one goes on Mastermind to cheat, that defeats the objective of it!

S: Which other band on the Tech-Fest bill could you comfortably beat in a fight?

Spud: Seething Akira.

Andy: Ooh, I’ve heard they’re quite hench, all those guys look a bit gunny. Oh I know! The Algorithm! Because there’s only two of them! One small French guy, I’m pretty sure we could take him.

Olly: It’s two against one, innit?

Spud: So I think we’d just about probably cope.

S: I think Jon Gomm is going to get a pretty hefty beating from this batch of interviews, for much the same reason.

Andy: Oh yeah, one of the solo artists. Particularly one of the smaller ones. If he’s in a wheelchair, all the better.

Spud: We’ll say Akira. We’re gonna meet them in a car park later.

Olly: It’s gonna get West Side Story up in here.

Will: That’s why we’re going to Portsmouth, to fight it out.

S: That is what you do in Portsmouth. Other than music, what’s your biggest or best talent or skill?

Olly: Faffing.

Spud: Being uncomfortably late. Always have been 20 minutes late, gold star. I am so skilful that I actually make things move in my journey to actually fuck myself up.

Andy: It is a perpetual aura; whatever variable could potentially go wrong, it does.

Spud: It’s like The Truman Show, you know the scene where he’s trying to actually get out? Suddenly all the cars come out and get in the way – that’s me, trying to get somewhere on time, it’s fucking mental.

Olly: I have the power to make things disappear, I can’t ever find shit ever. Literally, absent-mindedly put stuff down and then it’s gone. How many times have I lost your car keys?

Andy: Enough. More than enough.

S: With you faffing, and you losing everything, it’s a wonder you actually play any shows, really.

Olly: Well exactly.

Spud: Every show is definitely a journey.

Will: Spiritually, mentally, physically.

Olly: We’re trying to work on an idea for the album cover, and what I think it’s going to be is a catastrophe curve. All these things that managed not to fuck up to allow Collisions to happen.

Will: Circle Of Fuck-Ups.

Oli: Circle Of Strife!

S: You are stranded on a desert island, which band member do you eat first?

Olly: Will, he’s very tender.

Spud: The thing is, right, Andy has nothing on him. Oli is…I imagine you’d be toxified. And Will’s lean and muscly…but the thing is I wouldn’t want to eat Will first because he’d be a value to the team.

Will: I’ll make your hair into a pillow!

Olly: I think practically it wouldn’t be a good thing but I think I’d eat Andy. Because then the catastrophe curve would be tremendous. I guarantee the second he has an accident, eighty ships come in line. Nothing personal but I’ve gotta get out of here. It’s you or me, I had the cast of vote, I choose me. Did anyone ever answer that question going “I’ll take my own life”?

S: We had one of those, yeah. There was one going “Yeah, it’s obviously going to be me”.

Andy: There’s always that one member that you beat down enough, isn’t there?

S: Would you rather have legs as long as your fingers or fingers as long as your legs?

Spud: Wow. We sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t we boys?

Olly: I think I’ve gotta go with legs as long as my fingers. You have wheelchairs and so on.

Spud: Fingers as long as your legs would be really impractical.

Andy: We are all about the practicality!

Olly: How are you going to play piano apart from really far away? Clank clank clank. Having said that, you would never need a remote control ever again.

Spud: Yes true, because they would be as long as legs but not actually leg appendages.

Olly: I would definitely go with fingers as long as my legs.

Spud: You would be like Count Orlock [Nosferatu].

Olly: And if ever I needed to file my nails or anything, I’d just drag them across the floor. There you go. Leg-fingers. Lingers.

S: I always think with that, you end up with ten of them…So you’d sort of scuttle.

Oli: Yeah! That’s how you’d perambulate.

Andy: That’d be quite cool actually.

Will: Maybe, just maybe you’d become Spiderman.

Olly: It’d be like having ten punt poles on your fingers, if you were sculling.

S: You’d be your own boat race team, all in one.

Collisions are almost always playing shows, or have something on the horizon, so keep an eye on their tour dates page here.