Posted by & filed under Featured Film, Features, Film.

Dearest Readers,

I hope the Americans among us survived the Thanksgiving holiday relatively unscathed (and that everyone else had a magical week too) and any trauma experienced at the dinner table will serve as brilliant inspiration for that yet untitled memoir sitting on your desk. I know I got plenty of material for mine, starting with me updating Momma Fraud on this column and what my most recent article was about, which if you recall, was the first part of this very epic sex scene countdown. Immediately, Momma Fraud said, “Well, JF, I hope Wild Things is on there, because you know that deserves a place, it’s so sexy.” Upon hearing this, I almost choked on my (insanely strong) cocktail because she and I have never discussed that film. Ever. And now I never want to watch it again. Thanks for ruining part of my adolescence, Momma Fraud, I’m going to burn my old VHS copy in a ceremonial pyre (Beowulf style) later today.

This craziness only continued when after my eighth PBR; I almost said “bottoms,” when we were going around the table sharing what we were thankful for this year. I think I was just tired of everyone there saying the same old shit, like “family” or “friends.” Or maybe I was just on my way to black out. Or maybe I’m just a dick.  Probably all three. However, come on, assholes, I know you are thankful for your family. How could you not be if yours truly is a part of it? Why not give some of the things that make everyday life way fucking better and more fun? Maybe I should add “flat brims” and “headphones” to my list too.

Luckily, Miniature Sister Fraud stopped that one before I effectively confused and traumatized all my high school age cousins I was sitting next to…for this holiday, at least. Not to worry, there’s always Christmas. Anyway, let’s just say that the Fraud pack had an eventful and appropriately inappropriate holiday weekend.

Enough of that; what you’re here for is to read the conclusion of my top 5 favorite sex scene countdown and I hope it doesn’t disappoint. Well, actually, if it does, fuck you. I know these scenes are incredible and hot. To refresh all of your memories, numbers 5-3 included scenes (in order) from If These Walls Could Talk 2, Hostel, and We Own the Night. If me just listing those didn’t get your blood rushing to the appropriate locations, I encourage you to hit up my original article where I generously (and selfishly) included clips of all the scenes. They are NSFW (duh), so if you’ve got an open office type situation, watch out, bros.

Let’s get this thing going again:

2. Kiss Halloween Kids + Devil Hand, Idle Hands (Rodman Flender, 1999)

If there is anything I love more than a good horror film, it’s a good self-aware horror film (Hello, Cabin in the Woods). Arguably, Idle Hands is more a spoof of the genre, but I don’t care; I like it anyway. A basic plot rundown: Anton, played by 90s boy wonder Devon Sawa (dude, wtf happened to you?) is a high school stoner. Because he is such a fuck up and does nothing except smoke weed with his mates, his hand ends up getting possessed by a demon and leading him to go on a killing spree. Eventually, he ends up cutting his hand off, effectively unleashing it on his unsuspecting suburban town. The only person to stop it is a traveling demon hunter/high priestess played by Vivica A. Fox, and shittttt, that hand is out of control. The scene here demonstrates one of my favorite sex scene subgenres, car sex scenes, and is between two of the bullies who terrorize Anton (who, ironically, are metal heads). Honestly, who hasn’t fucked someone in a car and felt deliciously sneaky afterward? That’s why I love car sex scenes so much; they definitely tap into some of these good memories we all have of times past…or future.

When I first re-watched this, I thought they were Juggalos and got all excited to see them die and be brought to justice for their dumb lifestyle (as Leviathan brilliantly discussed a few weeks ago), but quickly I realized they were wearing Kiss shit, so I wasn’t so lucky in my desire to see a Juggalo bloodbath on screen. The scene, a mighty 90 seconds, shows our two Kiss-loving friends engaging in some high school level car exploits, which most notably features some insanely hot tits and the bearer of them receiving awesome oral sex from a dude with one of the ugliest haircuts in human history (love it!). All is well and good until, surprise surprise, Anton’s severed hand sneaks in the cracked window, feels her up (it IS a teenage boy hand), and attacks: first choking her, and then killing them both in a nice splatter against the car window. I love this scene not only for the close ups of Kelly Monaco’s fantastic boobs, but because like Carol Clover told us in the 80s, if you’re a ratchet teen who fucks during a horror movie, your ass is dead before you even bust out that condom or try to have unprotected sex (like a fucking idiot). Here we get an amazing and funny execution of this rule.  Many horror movies fuck this type of death up and it’s hilarious to me that it takes a dumb mainstream film like this that goes almost to Troma level to get it right. Don’t get me wrong; I fucking love Troma, so that’s a compliment of the highest order.

My other mainstream example of this would be the original Halloween. Obviously there are others, but come on, dudes, how am I supposed to think of others when I’ve been watching this? Sure, there are more explicit scenes out there with more thrusting action and nudity, but there is something about that high school sneakiness that gets me. And, I’m going to be honest and risk my rep but, I LOVE the use of “New York Groove” here. Trust me, Kiss and any of its members are not my thing at all – and that’s saying something big.

Honorable Mention: Moira the Maid, American Horror Story: Season 1

Before I go to my number one I want to give honorable mention (because I’m doing cinema here, not television, but wanted to mention this) to Moira, the sexy maid from season one of American Horror Story. Not only is AHS one of the best shows on TV right now, there is usually no shortage of sexy, even with all the fucked up shit that happens. Season two has not yet disappointed me either; Ryan Murphy (who I’ll forget for a second makes Glee) is at the top of his game. There are too many hot scenes to list, just watch this AMAZING compilation. HOWEVER, it is set to some bullshit electronica, so I recommend you watch on mute or to your own favorite soundtrack. I use Nine Inch Nails, but then again, I’m a huge industrial freak (no hating!).

1. Lee and E. Edward, Secretary (Steven Shainberg, 2002)

There it is, Dear Readers, my top sex scene of all time. Did anyone guess this is what I would pick? I’m sure some of you were wondering if this would make its way on here and if you guessed that, you’re awesome and we should go on a date…NOW. I’m well aware that is scene is a favorite of many critics and regular people alike, but that doesn’t make it less hot or intense. In fact, that’s why I picked it – because it is one of the most intense sex scenes I have ever seen in all of cinema: mainstream, indie, or otherwise – and I’ve seen a lot, even if this list seems really mainstream and not exotic (if you want some crazy pieces on weird cinematic shit or obscure films, I can totally do that, let me know). The process of narrowing it down was pretty challenging, yet there are worse ways to pass your time; that is, as long as watching every memorable sex scene you’ve seen in the past decade isn’t too horrible of an ordeal.

Not only did Secretary and its love story of a lawyer and his young secretary entering a dom/sub relationship bring BDSM to a lot of people who would never have even heard of it, but it also expertly shows how thin the line between pain and pleasure really is in sex (and in life in general). Come on, we’ve all gotten hickeys, especially during those cray days of adolescence, and I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that those can hurt like the bitch who gave it to you (I kid!). That’s a teeny example of this line I’m talking about. I’m not a BDSM expert, or even know much about it (sorry to disappoint, Readers, I don’t have a dungeon in my basement), but I think most people can benefit from the realization that sometimes shit hurts and that’s okay.

That’s exactly what Lee learns from E. Edward in this scene once he begins spanking her. That look on Lee’s face after that first time his hand hits her ass is enough to make me die in my seat because we see someone more turned on than she has been in her entire life in a way she never expected.

Cinema is really good at showing us a lot of boring sex in boring ways, and this is so far from boring I don’t even have an adjective for it. This scene actually leaves me fairly speechless, so I’ll just leave you with the clip to explore and stop writing useless shit about it that doesn’t capture anything.

That’s it, Amici; my top five favorite scenes. I love them all and now I hope you do too. I tried to give a variety of scenes for a variety of reasons that extended beyond sweet tits and ass (not that I don’t love those as much as the next boi). Not sorry to those who think this was too basic, American, insert other haterade here. Don’t worry, you film elitist fucks, I’ve got plenty of other tricks up my sleeves that hopefully will not disappoint you. Next week, you’ll see me start to leave the super mainstream films behind for a while, which I’m definitely looking forward to.

Ok, I’ve totally had enough of these clips for now. I’m going to take cold shower, call my girl, or both. And definitely not in that order.

xoxo,

Jane

Comments

comments