Posted by & filed under Featured Film, Features, Film.

Dear Readers,

After subjecting my (and all of yours too) twisted soul(s) to the horrors of Juno a few weeks ago, I wanted to give myself (and you all too) a reverse baptism of sorts to get things back on the sexy track. Hipster romantic comedies are definitely not hot and I’m ready again to write about something steamy. Plus, I’m guessing you want to read about something better than some dumb bitch talking on her hamburger phone. In the spirit of all things decadent and Jane, I spent the past weeks thinking how to make it up to you all and soon the choice was clear: a special countdown two part series of my top 5 favorite sex scenes in all cinema. However, to make things fair, the threesomes in Wild Things and American Psycho aren’t allowed to compete. Having Wild Things in this countdown is like having an elementary school football team play a match against Manchester United. That is, you don’t pit amateurs against professionals, that’s just fucked up and not cool. But, I promise, I will devote an entire article soon to how much I love Wild Things, especially Denise Richards’ pre Charlie Sheen and baby body (quite spectator in ways I want to articulate right now, but for the fear of bro-ing out forever, I won’t). And, since I already wrote about the genius of American Psycho, you don’t need to hear about it again. If you’d like to reread what I wrote before to see how I feel about that particular scene, definitely check out what I said a few weeks back.

Anyway, here is how this will work. Today I’ll give you my numbers 5-3 and next week you’ll get numbers 2 and 1. Patience, Dear Readers, will have to be a virtue. Think of this as my Thanksgiving gift to our American readers. While you’re at that boring dinner with your annoying family, feel free to summon the scenes I’m talking about here for some blissful distractions…I know I will…especially once I’m on my 6th French 75. It’s OK, thank me later.

And also, since I haven’t seen every single sexy movie in the history of cinema, obviously we know this list is highly subjective, so feel free to tell me how much I suck in your comments, but I honestly tried to keep it to recent mainstream stuff a lot of us have seen and liked, which to me always makes these types of countdowns more fun (which is why something like The Dreamers is NOT on here).

Ok, so without any more bullshit opening stuff from me, here we go:

5. Amy and Linda, If These Walls Could Talk 2 (Jane Anderson et al, 2000)

It’s 1972 and everyone is a lesbian. Okay obviously not, but at least that’s what this film would like us to believe and I’m down with suspending my disbelief for that alternate universe. Indie favs Chloe Sevigny and Michelle Williams play Amy and Linda, two young lesbians dealing with typical 70s second wave feminist bullshit (OMG, ties are suffocating! No they aren’t, this is how I feel comfortable! Why would you date someone who wants to dress like a man!?!, etc.) in this short 20 minute vignette from HBO’s If These Walls Could Talk 2. Obviously, this film or scene isn’t everyone’s thanggg, but you can’t deny Sevigny and Williams’ chemistry is hot and on point. Sevigny perfectly captures the toppy and masculine Amy, with Williams playing the curious bottom Linda with ease. If you need to do some googling to understand what “top” and “bottom” mean, I recommend you do so because it will change your perspective on life, but I’m assuming you are all informed and thus, more awesome than the average bears roaming among us. Plus, Williams, being one of my first crushes from even her Dawson’s Creek days will always hold a special place in my heart. I won’t tell you all to go run out and rent this film because I don’t want to force you into a Women’s Studies seminar bender of feelings and tears. BUT what I will tell you is that I’ve watched this film on a date with some wine and the next thing I knew she was in my lap for the next few hours. Boom.

Check out the short clip I’ve got here and push your boundaries.

4. Hostel Boys (mostly Josh) and Eastern European Girls, Hostel (Eli Roth, 2005)

Most of you probably know how much I love this film because I’ve talked about it before. But what you do not know, Amici, is that I wrote my master’s thesis on it, thus making it one of the films I will always go back to for great examples of everything cinematic and awesome. This sex scene is no exception. Taking place on the boys’ first night in Slovakia after a fun night out on the town, Josh and Pax are happily seduced by their sexy female roommates and treated to a midnight ride through the sheets, complete with some tasty cowgirl action and female nudity. Even though both couples are shown, I like to think of this scene as belonging to Josh, who up to this point in the film has been the shy, sensitive one of the group. Roth gives us some nice close ups of Josh’s face as he is clearly having some fucking amazing sex with a hot woman, in addition to some great POV shots of Natalya on top of him that capture the dream-like quality of the scene. When I first saw the movie I wanted to assume Josh was a virgin and this was some epic loss of virginity scene because his eyes are so expressive and lost in the moment, but subsequent viewings of Hostel have led me to think otherwise (Josh is supposedly mourning an ex girlfriend). However, a part of me wishes this were a loss of virginity scene because if it was, it would be the best one ever. But I guess we can assume at the very least Josh hasn’t gotten laid in a while and that his happiness relates to that sense of freedom and ecstasy only a moment like that can bring…come on, we’ve all been there, whether “a while” means a year, a month, or 12 hours.

3. Amada and Bobby, We Own the Night, (James Gray, 2007)

We all heard about this scene before the film even hit theaters and so many of us went to see it because we knew Eva Mendes was going to get down in a crazy way at some point. That’s how memorable this masturbation scene between Amada and Bobby  remains (at least to me). Mendes looks flawless and decadent on the couch, dressed in all black, complete with black tights and undies as she masturbates to an approaching Bobby (played by an always decent Joaquin Phoenix). Her outfit and makeup are so sexy that it’s a sensory overload. Do we want to be watching? Participating? Both? And normally I don’t like Blondie, but the soundtrack choice of “Heart of Glass” works so well here that it transports me back to NYC in 1988 where all bets are off for any type of rules and I kind of wish I had some coke. As the short scene progresses all we want is for Bobby to jump on top of her and fuck her the way we are accustomed to in films like this, but that totally doesn’t happen. Instead we get a rare, yet explicit other type of sex that is usually not shown on screen and it’s better. And way worth it. I think what the scene shows well is the power of desire, especially female desire and the nuances of that. Amada is content to be alone, but when Bobby shows up, it’s even better. He pulls at her dress and we get subtle shots of her body in ways that are realistic for the situation. Sometimes sex isn’t easy, naked, or even involve two people the entire time, but that’s okay, which is why I love this scene so much. It gives us variety, sensuality, and atmosphere. Plus, Eva Mendes is smokin, yo. I’m going to go die now.

There you have it metal fans, numbers 5 to 3 of my favorite sex scenes. And I would like to tell you that watching these over and over in my office was fucking torturous because not only do I have an officemate (who, thank god, is super generous in her tolerance of all my weird music and film clips…AM, you’re the best, girl), but who in their right mind likes watching sex scenes under florescent lighting at 9am? I guess I do. All for the sake of science, I say. So, sit back and feel free to enjoy the clips over and over in preparation for the conclusion of this epic countdown next week. I know I will be trying to forget about them as I go teach my classes later today, but I probably will fail at this. Shittttt.

So, Dear Readers, do you agree with some of my choices? What did I egregiously leave out that makes you want to take away my street cred as both writer and human? Is my Wild Things obsession just getting gross by now? If you say yes to that last one, then I’ll think you have ice in your veins. Then again, alligators need love too, so I salute you, you cold bastards.