Part Tree, Part man.
Sitting outside the school gates this morning, with a can of brew and a pair of binoculars in hand, I started to think about bait. No, not jail bait – bait a different kind; a bait cast deep down into the depths of the sea, crushed by the tidal pressure and formed into a solid mass of all yummy proportions. Shark bait!
It felt like many a year ago, and it probably was, but the suspected alzheimer’s stops me from recalling when exactly. I say suspected because I never got the results back.
Or did I?
Anyways, back when that old film about a big fish with the big ol’ teeth came out I was on holiday; having saved up my money from working down the local fertility clinic as a very handsome donor fuelled on by that sweaty nurse with the lazy eye. Well, after 962 deposits I was ready to have my fun, so off to the beach I go, buggie-smugglers in tow. Only to find that not a single meaty flesh lump would unleash her wonders upon my eyes for fear of getting in the water.
Yes children, that summer I did not get laid, or even get a decent hard-on, all thanks to that spectacle laden bastard Steven Suck-my-arse-titanic-had-a-better-ending-Spielberg.
So why do I bring this up you ask? Well, because now we are going to sit down in these splinter filled seats and watch me drink my way in to, and out of, a state of depression whilst watching every single film about a shark that is better than that pile of cock blocking shit.
Shark Attack (1999)
Bob Misiorowski directs Casper Van Dien as Steven McKray; coming straight from nuking those damn space bugs with Reco’s Roughnecks in Starship Troopers to save the day; whilst trying to bang his co-star Jenny McShane of course! Seeing as it’s almost the millennium and the dawn of a politically correct world, we bump up the equal opportunities in B-movie deaths, Ernie Hudson of Ghostbusters is here. And he ain’t afraid of no sharks.
But what unleashed these creatures? And why are they so damn angry? Well in the quest to cure cancer man changes beast, and beast chases man. I’m sure there’s some deep philosophical point in here somewhere. But I can’t quite hear it over the sound of me cheering the shark on to munch on these god forsaken actors. Five beers in, it’s not too bad a film.
Shark Attack II (2001)
David Worth takes the reigns here; (Bob Misiorowski obviously had more important higher class films to do when the masterpiece that was the original came out – like filming Jean Claude Van Damme stop a train) we are now in an aquarium (woo) when shock-horror, a science-altered shark escapes and finds his friends in a cave! Not before the TRUE horror is unleashed upon us, however: a surfing competition.
It’s up to TV personalty Nick Harris (Thorsten Kaye) to make some sushi of this mess, and of course, try to bang his co-star Nikita Ager. Crocodile Hunter as it sounds, I quite like the tv personalty novelty and 11 beers in this is pretty damn good.
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)
The science sharks are gone, and now it’s time for some pre-historic fin to kick ass. But wait what’s this, John Barrowman? I thought he was stealing Dr Who‘s ratings in that spin-off about burnt wood? Well sod it, lets go with the flow: this time with David Worth not only directing but also shooting it. Great budget saving technique!
Jenny McShane also returns form the first Shark Attack to get banged by the leading man again (must be her thing), but as a completely different character. No doubt the director just dusted off some old contracts and found a clause that made her work on this one for free, figuring no one would be sober enough to remember the first, let alone her.
So the third one, surely this will be the worst right? Well no, living up with all the greatest trilogies (Star Wars, Indiana Jones), Shark Attack’s third is the best and the most epic. This film has everything from the main stars gash wetting line; “What do you say I take you home and eat your pussy? “, to actually bringing to life the best picture on the internet!
I honestly didn’t think I’d be taking my teeth out and popping them in a jar to say this, but there’s a freaking shark that swallows a boat! SWALLOWS!
Damn these beers are starting to hit me, I think I’ve just tapped into all that unused summer lust I’d stored up. Keep the aisles clear guys, this might get messy.
Well I don’t know about you guys but this series doesn’t seem to end, I mean how many sharks are out there? What was once a believable premise is starting to wear thin and I think they know it, lets watch something more realistic:
Shark In Venice (2008)
The producer of the last two Shark Attack movies (Danny Lerner) decides to have a go at directing.
Lets get our check lists out: Ancient gold, a murdered father, the mafia AND a kidnapped girlfriend.
Damn these guys has upped the game. However, watching a fat sweaty Stephen Baldwin heave his bloated corpse around on stage is like watching a warthog fight for the last scraps of cheese you throw into a cage; Sweaty, sticky, and… hot.
Sorry, I think I just dropped a hand-shandy onto you. Time for a post-game nap…
WHA! This makes no frikkin’ sense, why are people fighting with swords and armour outside a castle on horseback in the whatever- time-before-cable-hundreds!? Where the fuck did the shark go!
Fuck me guys, think Ol’ Rusty needs some more beer, stretch over and grab me a beer.
Mhh.. yeah.. just like that…
Swamp Shark (2011)
An odd one this, considering the title doesn’t start with the word “shark”. -This initially put me off, but having just splooged everything over Stephen Baldwin I’m in an agreeable mood.
Kristy Swanson and her bouncy chest lay down her Buffy: The Vampire Slayer days to hunt sharks, switching up the lead role to a woman in this film. Strangely enough the director Griff Furst breaks all the rules and actually has half rounded believable side characters that you kind of feel sorry for whilst they are being eaten alive. I’d say he makes amends for this crime though by depicting black people in their rightful B-Movie place; on a wooden rowing boat trying to screw a white woman. The heathens!
It’s a good thing they have a super shark to contend with, forged in the deep sea it has formed a layer of armour over its body. Quite inconvenient for our heroine, who has to kill the blighter with the help of her friends and family and a mysterious stranger in order to save the town and her bar from the evil sheriff. Some inventive deaths here, a nice piss-take of that film that ruined my summer there, and a great final shark kill. Best film about a shark in a swamp this year I say.
Well that was therapeutic, let me break out the old trusty hog and hit the roads again. It’s time to lay this Ol’ Rusty’s seed down before the bike cooks off what’s left.
Go on then, get the fuck out of my place you buncha freeloaders.
- Ol’ Rusty