Posted by & filed under Features, Film.

Well I’m back guys, and I hope you bunch of free-loaders haven’t been squatting in here whilst I’ve been away in Europe. I’m the only one who does any squatting in here and that’s over the bucket in the corner.

Now, don’t think just because I left you behind to see what seed I could spread before the bike cooks me old soldiers off that I’m not thinking of you guys before hand…and during.

That’s right, after I’d gone to Amsterdam and gotten rid of what measly pension the government has now finally decided to give me (some delay about, “ you’ve never had a recorded job sir”, pah!). I’d satisfied just about every whore I could find within 72 hours, so I decided to eat out a different kind of local flavour and get my hands on some funky truffles before heading back.

Apparently that wasn’t the best idea.

It seems I decided it was time for me to avenge my fathers death and ride to Berlin, sticking it to their women as I went. Some time later I thought it beast to leave Germany as fast as I could, not quite remembering how many highly illegal Nazi salutes I’d done in public whist dressed as a chapsless vicar. I went for the quickest way out, and ended up in Sweden.

Yup, what a shitter.

Not only was I broke and possibly wanted by the Gestapo for race crimes, I’d ended up in the only fucking place in Europe that costs more than Britain to get drunk in.

Well after I’d calmed down and told the locals what I thought of their blessed cunt of a country, I went/was forced to the leave the pub and went shopping, finding myself in a Swedish video store where luckily one thing translated well over there.

“Bargain bin” is still bargain bin.

It wasn’t until after buying it with the money and I had left, however, that I realised whoever released it over there hadn’t bothered learning English properly like all decent Europeans should, leaving it in Sarah Lund talk. The most upsetting thing about this being that I didn’t have her to wiggle my fancy whilst watching it.

Now with a title like The Cowboy Way, some might be alarmed that this is an “honest I just went fishing and sat on some mud/bumming up the crapper like there’s no tomorrow and the plumbers coming home” cowboy flick.

But trust me, the only two guys getting that close together are me and my new aptly named German cell-mate Hans Stickle. So lets get to it.

The Cowboy Way (1994)

Well then: Keifer Sutherland and Woody Harroldson, being two childhood-friend cowboy buddies in New Mexico who had a bit of a falling out; nothing can go majorly wrong there, can it?

Not until evil smuggler Dylan McDermott (before he learnt how to act in American Horror Story) basically gives the worst performance of his life! Being the greedy stereotypical douche-bag any good B-movie desires, he starts being a dick about not giving their friends daughter back for the agreed rate after smuggling her in the good old US an’ A.

Cue lots of good buddy bro-mance ensuing as the pair take it upon themselves to reluctantly re-team and rescue the lady. Though mainly it seems to be more about letting you see how awesome Keifer looks with a moustache.

The first half of this film is actually quite top notch for what it is. The two work quite well together with some great moments spread in-between the hackneyed ones as they go around NYC referencing Crocodile Dundee. It’s just a shame that the second half has one massive problem:

Ernie Hudson

He ain’t afraid of no law…despite being a police officer.

Somehow he manages to undermine the believability of everything else in this film by changing from a standard boring procedural street cop to suddenly becoming the most careless who-gives-a-shit cop in the entire world like he’s John Belushi in Animal House.

Honestly, what kind of smack were the director and writers on? He randomly meets two guys in a park and then two scenes later after giving no further insight as to why other than “he always wanted to be a cowboy”, gives them full access to fuck up whatever buildings and laws they want whilst endangering civilians.

Now you may think “hey old timer, calm down, it’s a comedy. Take your sock off your pecker and put it back on your foot”.

That may be the case, but the rest of the film is rooted in half-believable characters, so you can’t just throw one that makes zero sense into that mix without taking you out of the movie. It would probably be fine if he was in it more and they got to know him. Hell, if you just removed him all the crazy stuff the duo get up to would be believable – it’s just not when there’s a supposedly by-the-book cop watching them do it and not even flicking an eyelid.

Ernie the film-ruiner aside, by no means is the second half that bad. There’s a great moment later on where the cowboy duo chase a train down in New York on horseback that reminds you what a nice little riff on the western this whole film is. Sorry, spoilers. It just had the potential to be so much more. Either way it’s a light-hearted watch that made me feel some form of humanity inside me other than my cell mate’s whilst awaiting trial.

Now get the fuck outta my place I gotta unpack, these boxers ain’t been washed for weeks and the back crust is starting to form a second base.

- Ol’ Rusty.