7th July 2015 – Amputated Vein Records
01. Engulfed in Enjoogulation
02. Pathological Armoured Ferret Tank
03. Elephantitis Jimmy Hill Style Gigantic Chin Pandas
04. Slagatha Fistie and the Wank Machine
05. Paedophilic Back Passage Ensmashment
06. Shittifying Quaffage of Hideous Smegmatic Rectal Chunder
07. Velocirapist and the Slamosorearse Sex
08. Spunkated Rapised Enfuckment
09. Tummified Thinsulation of Fetid Cranial Putrescence
10. Ophthalmic Arterial Hammerage
Well fuck my family pet and call me a corpse fornicator, isn’t this a barrel of fun? Have you read the track listing? Go back and read it. Trust me, its great.
Did you do it? How fuckin great is that shit? My favourite one is “Paedophilic Back Passage Ensmashment“. Or perhaps “Elephantitis Jimmy Hill Style Gigantic Chin Pandas“, but mostly because I have no clue as to what that even means, whereas I can make a general guess as to what the rest of the song titles mean.
Crepitation. These guys have been known around the UK extreme metal scene for quite some time: mostly for going tits mental and playing the most ridiculous music I’ve ever heard – and I listen to bands called Vaginal Penetration of an Amelus with a Musty Carrot.
They are most known for their song dedicated to their love of horses, the aptly named “Equine Phallic Impalement” (another one I recommend you check out – It’s on the North West Slam Fest split EP). This song never fails to get the crowd singing along; to the intro at least, as many find it difficult to recreate Crepitation’s signature Wees and Beeps. Their new album, The Violence Of The Slams, continues their trend of over-the-top, clown shoes, absolute bananas Slam.
Best of all the animals.
I’m assuming you understand the reference and the album art, so let’s move on and get straight into the slams!
Oh wait, there’s another Hannibal reference in the first few seconds – right before you get rattled across the face with a riff like a whale cock. If you are new to the slam genre, then I believe the first thing that you will notice is the vocals. Why yes, it does sound like a frog stuck in a swine’s arse. The next thing you may notice is the drums; most particularly the snare drum. Drummers may wonder why they appear to have substituted this integral piece of equipment with a smashed up steel bin. I don’t know. But it sounds great, dunnit?
Now, what we are waiting for is the slams. Perhaps you already know what a slam is. If not, then allow me to enlighten you. A slam is akin to a breakdown, however it usually involves more than one note. It also usually involves a very particular rhythm to which you can start a slam hands zombie pit. What is a zombie pit? What are slam hands? Allow me to demonstrate.
This album is chock full of moments like this: relentless riffs flopping all over the place like a disembodied phantom dong, slapping unimpressed pensioners in the face as they walk by complaining about the state of young people these days. These relentless riffs evolve and grow to transform into gigantic mammoth slams which just pound your ears until you need to seek medical attention. The blastbeats will ensure you get tinnitus, the riffs will leave you questioning your sanity, and the downright heaviness of the whole ordeal is likely to give you one of those pounding headaches that pulse in the back of your eye socket. And all of this is a good thing! When it comes to metal, slam is pretty much the end of the spectrum. It is the most extreme form of extreme metal there is, so when you get an album that just turns everything up to 11 and then some, it pretty much ticks all the boxes required for the genre.
Another large part of slam is the proper selection of samples. More serious bands tend to go for excerpts from old horror films or recordings of their grandma screaming, but Crepitation like to go for the most ridiculous samples to fit their ridiculous songs. There is a particularly interesting one at the end of “Tummified Thinsulation of Fetid Cranial Putrescence“.
As far as albums go, this is one of the forerunners of the genre. It may not appeal to the masses in the same way groovy wanker metal does these days, but it manages to stick to its guns in a genre that all sounds the fucking same and still be good. But this is a review and I’m supposed to look at all sides of the stories, aren’t I? Well, lets go through some frequently asked questions.
Q: What are the lyrics?
A: What the fuck are lyrics?
Q: Don’t they get a sore throat?
A: Do you get a sore throat from all that DICK YOU SUCK? No? Good, I’m not going to question your sexuality or sexual activities, just make sure you keep some soothers near by, nothing worse than eating a schlong when your throat is like a junkie’s carpet.
Q: Is it just me or does it all sound the same?
Q: What does Crepitation mean?
1. a dry, crackling sound or sensation
2. a sound like that produced by the grating of the ends of a fractured bone.
Q: Is “enfuckment” really a word?
A: Yes. Maybe. Probably not.
Q: What is “Elephantitis Jimmy Hill Style Gigantic Chin Pandas“
A: I literally have no idea. Not even the slightest clue. If I find out, I’ll let you know in the comments.
Well that’s quite enough of that then. Like I said before, this is one of the pinnacles of the genre. If some random punter was to come up to me in the street and ask; “Say, good sir, what is slam?“, I would recommend them two albums – Abominable Putridity‘s The Anomolies of Artificial Origin (for serious, brutal as fuck, I can’t feel my face any more slam) and this album (for ridiculous, arse-pounding, what-the-fuck-am-I-listening-to slam). There you have it.