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No answer too rude and no man too blind for Manchester prog quintet Jagwar!

Tech Fest 2015 Jagwar interview

Hailing from Manchester, prog newcomers Jagwar are young and eager, and have already begun to make a name for themselves as one of the area’s most exciting new bands. With more than a few nods to the now defunct The Safety Fire (Jagwar’s name refers to a song from their last album, while their often spidery music pays homage to the London quintet’s style), the five piece are primed to fill the hole left by the more prominent band’s demise. With an opening slot at Tech Fest on the Friday, we caught up with them afterwards to discuss Harry Potter, a love of Nickelback, and being kicked off at by a blind man.

Throughout this highly silly, and somewhat offensive interview, there was lots of laughing, giggling, howling, and even crying. While I’ve tried to demonstrate this with helpful laughing brackets, it’s best to read the whole interview as one long laugh session.

Jagwar are:

Perry – Vocals
Josh – Guitar
Jack – Guitar
James – Bass
(Absent: Dean – drums)

You are given a giant catapult, what do you launch with it and who is your target?

Josh: I’d launch myself towards Dave Maclachlan (laughs).

Jack: Aim ourselves at The Sun Explodes.

Josh: When you do that I’ll aim myself at you and then we’ll all end up like a sexy caterpillar. A big gay sexy caterpillar.

Jack: Like The Human Centipede but sexier.

James: Do you have to have pants on in the catapult?

You can be in whatever state you want.

Josh: Logic would dictate a cat though wouldn’t it?

James: It would actually yeah.

Josh: …another cat?

James: I think we’ll move on!

(Everyone laughs)

Jagwar Tech Fest 2015 - James Pye - Jo Moolenschot.jpg

James. Photo credit: Jo Moolenschot.

What Nickelback song would you cover?

Jack: I love Nickelback, so…

(Everyone else laughs)

Umm….oh what’s it called? It’s my favourite one!


Jack: “Just To Get High“. I love that song.

Josh: I’d do “Animals”.

Perry: Say “Rockstar

James: I’d do that shit one.

Jack: None of them?

James: All of them (laughs).

Jack: None of them?

James: ALL of them!

Jack: Can I say, I saw them live about two years ago, probably the best show I’ve ever seen.

Josh: Nickelback, they’re quite clever because they put out all the poppy shit to get–

Perry: –money–

Josh: –to where they are, but when you listen to the actual albums there are good songs on there. There’s always like seven or eight good songs on there and they just have the 2 or 3 pop shite ones to get everyone into it.

James: I’ll give you that one. I disagree with you but I’ll give you it.

Josh: What?!

You can have that but I vehemently disagree.

(Everyone laughs)

Josh: You can have that, but you can’t.

What’s the worst and best thing about the internet?

James: oooh…..har–

(Perry laughs out loud)

Josh: No, don’t say it.

Perry: The dark side of YouTube

What were you going to say?

James: The worst, no I can’t say that.

You can all have separate answers.

James: I can’t…I’m gonna have to pass this on, I can’t say what I was gonna say, ‘cause it’s got the words hardcore and porn in.

(Everyone laughs)

So you were gonna say hardcore porn?

Josh: He was.

James: I was. That is a combination of the two.

Jack: Mine is probably YouTube comments -

Perry: As some of the worst and best?

Jack: – as the worst and best because sometimes they make me howl with laughter and other times I want to get a gun and shoot the person who wrote them.

They make you howl, sometimes in laughter, other times just in anger.

Jack: Yeah, exactly!

Perry: I think it’s the dark side of YouTube; there’s a side to it if you’re on it too long you venture into it.

Jack: I went there with Ainsley Harriot once

Perry: Everyone’s been there with Ainsley

Josh: I can’t decide between the best thing either being puppy videos or

(Everyone laughs)

James: No, EFUKT

Josh: No, they don’t upload often enough

Perry: Can we move away from porn now?

What would be your specialist subject on Mastermind?

Jack: Erm, Harry Potter.

Josh: Music, because I’ve just finished my degree in music production.

James: I’m gonna go with my previous answer.

(Everyone laughs hysterically)


Perry: Er, I’m not sure…

James: Being a shit singer?

Perry: Yeah, that one.


Josh: How about MMA?

Perry: Don’t Flop battle raps!

Jagwar Tech Fest 2015 - Perry Pearman - Jo Moolenschot

Perry. Photo credit: Jo Moolenschot

This one’s a bit of a general knowledge teaser, can horses vomit?

James: Hardcore porn.

(More laughter)

James: If you get a horse on its back, you can do this thing where if you push its head up far enough. If you arouse it, it will vomit, that’s an actual fact.

(Tears of laughter stream down faces)

Josh: It activates its own gag reflex?

James: I’m going with that as a fact, but I have just made it up on the spot.

The answer is actually no. Because of the positioning and the curvature of their muscles and oesophagus.

James: You’ve just not tried hard enough mate.

That’s what I’ve been doing wrong!


Josh: What if you break its neck, can it vomit then?

(Hysterical laughter)

James: A horse assaulted Josh once.

What do blind people see in their dreams?

James: Fuck all mate! (Laughs)

Jack: They see a van in Birmingham. Basically because with an old band me and Josh were in, we were playing a gig in Birmingham and our van was half parked on the pavement and a blind man walked into it. Fair enough it was on the pavement, I don’t know if he didn’t have his stick or whatever.

Josh: The lad fucking howled! This guy, he didn’t say “oh dear, a van”, he went, in this tone, “OH. MY. GOD!” (squeaky)

(Uncontrollable laughter)

Josh: It was so loud though. “WHO PUT THIS HERE?!?!” But then after he did that, when we said “what’s up mate” he started going “WHYYY, WHYYY!” (laughter) battering the van with his walking stick. We had 3 people in the back who weren’t supposed to be there because it was a rented van…

Jack: – and the police started…

Josh: And the police were there, this blind man shouting going “look a van in the way with illegal passengers” and we’re just going “no, calm down”.

Jack: We offered him money, we offered him everything.

Josh: Me and the drummer went round the van, we didn’t know who was kicking off or why, we got to the other side of the van, saw it was a blind guy and thought “oh, Mad Eye Moody’s kicking off”.(More hyena laughter) We just had to get back in the van and be quiet.

Jack: He left eventually.

Josh: We left as least half the pavement for him to get round though.

Jack: So basically in his dreams, he sees a van. And he’s out for vengeance.

Josh: A horrible, horrible white transit van.

(wipes away tears) That was a much better answer than I expected. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?

James: Oooo..hardcore por-NO!

(Hysterical laughter)

Perry: What was your real answer?

James: Na, I can’t top that, fuck it, carry on.

Jack: You climbed the top of Camelot.

James: I did but…are we liable for this? We climbed on top of a shut down roller coaster in an abandoned theme park, which was pretty scary. As I got to the top there was a very loud noise.

Jack: I once got lost in Moss Side in Manchester, that’s probably the scariest thing I’ve ever done

James: Well that beats me.

Jack: A very posh man running around going “hello, I’m lost”.

Josh: I can’t think of the scariest thing.

James: Josh doesn’t encounter a lot of fear.

Perry: That’s because he eats it.

Jack: Being in a van with Josh is pretty scary.

Josh: I am fear. (Pause) Fighting the dark lord Voldermort was pretty intense.

James: Oh that was intense man, when your dead parents came and that little wand scene, that was terrifying.

Josh: Yeah, and then I had to use the resurrection stone.

Jack: Getting too into Harry Potter here.


Jagwar Tech Fest 2015 - James Ormond-Prout - Jo Moolenschot.jpg

Jack. Photo credit: Jo Moolenschot

What’s the craziest conspiracy theory you’ve ever heard of?

Josh: 9/11

James: Yeah it’s gonna be 9/11

Jack: I used to sit next to a guy at work who was proper into his conspiracy theories. He tried to claim that Ebola was created by the government to keep the population of Africa down.

James: Right, that’s er…

Perry: That’s just not true.

James: …racist.

Jack: AIDS, he said that one was created by the government as well to keep the gay population down.

Josh: Again, probably not true.

It’s not too much different to the Christians who think God created it for the same purpose.

Josh: Yeah, exactly!

James: Religion?

Josh: Religion as a whole will be our answer. (Laughs)

What’s the least accurate thing you have ever read about yourselves?

James: We recently got called a technical hardcore band.

Perry: Yeah, that’s not true.

James: That’s not accurate.

Jack: Me and Josh got called ‘feline’ in the interview. Feline guitarists, I don’t know how.


James: See our band name is Jagwar, which is a feline

Josh: It is technically a feline, but that doesn’t mean that we ourselves are feline.

James: We’re not *technically* cats. (laughs)

Jack: They described our drummer as a metal Phil Collins, purely because he had a microphone.

Perry: Yeah…

Jack: So does that mean that the drummer from Atreyu is a metal Phil Collins? Press To Meco have a metal Phil Collins?

So, there’s basically a lot of bullshit then?

Perry: Yeah, there is.

James: Fuck it.

What’s the weirdest thing a fan has ever said to you?

Perry: We haven’t got any

James: You can handle this one

Jack: There’s got to be someone, from back in the day.

Perry: What about that midget you shagged on tour?

Josh: Which one was she, Happy or Grumpy?

Jack: She wasn’t…

Josh: Dopey


Jack: I hope my mum doesn’t hear this. She was 4 foot 8!

That technically fits the criteria of a midget.

Jack: She was in proportion!

James: Did she have a small bag of gems?

(Hysterical laughter)

Jack: This is one I had, back in the days of Myspace, “I’m coming over to England to marry you, whether you like it or not”

(More laughter)

Sounds consensual.

Josh: Yeah, we’ll leave it there.

Jagwar Tech Fest 2015 - Joshua Jack Cullen - Jo Moolenschot.jpg

Josh. Photo credit: Jo Moolenschot

Would you rather eat the same meal for the rest of your life or have every meal be a taste sensation, but you have to eat a shit-filled sandwich once a month?

Jack: Shit-filled sandwich.

James: I do actually partake in the shit-filled sandwich so…

Josh: I’d just have the same meal and have it as something amazing every day.

James: We’ve actually, Ainsley Harriot is walking past right now.

Josh: I thought you were being really racist then, I didn’t want to turn around and there just be a black guy

Jack: Can I ask you a question, on the same lines?


Jack: Would you prefer to have, once a month for one day, sweat shit for the whole day or for the rest of your life constantly have Dorito dust on the end of your fingers?


Jack: You don’t know what day of the month it is so you can’t plan it it’s just gonna happen.

On that day you would just cancel your plans and sit indoors.

Josh: See that’s what we went for.

Jack: But you’re just sitting in your own shit. You’d get in the bath I guess.

Grab a laptop, fucking, you know, whatever

James: Have a shit-wank.

Perry: That would be an electricity hazard so you couldn’t do that.

Josh: I’m trying to think, I want to think about one now because I had one the other day that was.

Perry: Solero hands versus something else

If you guys come up with a good one I’ll ask other bands

Josh: Would you rather have Soleros for hands or bins for feet?

James: Bins for feet? You’d be a giant. Stand on your enemies

Jack: One of those little bins, like a half person size

Josh: But Soleros would melt,

Perry: So you’d go for bins for feet?

Josh: And people would all go “look at that bin footed wanker over there”

Perry: Whereas if you’ve got Solero hands you just have really cold pockets.

James: Do you have to keep them frozen, like once they’ve melted are they gone?

Jack: Yeah

James: Would you have the sticks left? Like little lollipop sticks for hands

Josh: You can get a prosthetic hand and put it on top of that

Who’s got the band MILF?

James: It’s Josh’s mum. Fucking wheels mate she has got nice wheels!

Josh: My mum’s in a wheelchair. (Laughs) She wasn’t until she met him.

Jack: We know who’s got the DILF

James: Well it’s not Perrys is it? (Laughs)

James: Is it my dad?

Perry: Pye’s dad lives in a caravan

James: My dad is a gypsy


Would you choose to play in an old folks home or a kindergarten?

James: Ooh kindergarten.

Perry: Obviously kindergarten.

Josh: You could just play Death in an old folks home

Perry: Dress up as Death in the old folks home and play death metal

What celebrity would you like to be stuck in a lift with?

Josh: Daniel Radcliffe.

James: Madeline McCann

(Hysterical laughter)

Jack: The corpse of Michael Jackson

James: Corpse?! What he’s not dead…oh shit he’s dead!

Jack: I want Tupac then

Perry: We can make them fight.

Thanks so much guys, for a hilarious and likely unpublishable interview.

James: Thanks dude, it’s been fun!

Jagwar’s debut EP Palmless is available via Bandcamp

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