Posted by & filed under Featured Music, Features, Music, News.

The Pope resigns! Who should be his replacement?

the pope resigns heavy metal smoke

Earlier today fellow Iron Council member Disinformasiya wrote an article about the timely resignation of the Pope. It was a splendid article indeed and he brought to light five worthy candidates. I, however am pulled in a different direction. The problem is, we all know that Pope’s are all the same really – a crazy old man that likes to wear ridiculous hats. Sometimes, the best way to counteract such madness is to look to the realms of fiction for the best answer. In this time of disarray and crisis – who is the best candidate to steady the ship?

#5  - Frank Reagan (Blue Bloods)

Frank Reagan

Current position: Police Commissioner of New York City.

Place of birth: New York, New York

Date of birth: January 29th, 1945

He’s the police commissioner of New York City, one of the city’s most important public positions. On any given day he has to juggle the lives of 35,000 police officers, his demanding family, serial killers, terrorist attacks, child kidnappings, and the scheming politically minded mayor who’s always looking to turn every situation around to his political benefit. Frank manages to do all of this while also keeping the world’s best moustache in perfect condition.

He’s very intelligent, compassionate and great at making speeches, he certainly wouldn’t alienate and offend anyone by misspeaking. He’s also a devout Catholic. He does all of this while still maintaining his fantastic piece of facial fur. It’s like a well groomed slug!

Oh, and there are also rumours that he has some relation to the great Thomas Magnum, who cleaned up the streets of Hawaii in the 80′s, also whilst sporting brilliant facial hair. Frank Reagan would weed out the corruption of the church in days and inspire many newcomers to join the faith.

#4  - Dr. Evil (Austin Powers)

Dr. Evil

Current position: Volcano Lair

Place of birth: Holland

Date of birth: Unknown

If there’s one thing the Catholic Church is not short of, it’s scandal: hilariously outdated social stances; clergy touching kids; holy wars. What would Dr. Evil bring to the table?

A rather large “laser” by all accounts. Yes, Dr. Evil is pretty absurd, however with all the recent developments in the Catholic Church they’d be playing into the public’s hands by trying to pass of their insanity as charming and appealing. Dr. Evil, despite his dark nature is a very entertaining, iconic figure that is loved and remembered fondly by thousands. Can you imagine the infinitely quotable Dr. Evil under a Pope’s hat? He’d be perfect material!

Plus, he could turn Vatican city into a huge fortified base for all of his evil operations….or he could just stick it in a volcano. I’m sure the public will be satisfied either way!

#3  - Walter Bishop Ph.D. (Fringe)

Walter Bishop

Current position: Saviour of the Future

Place of birth: London, United Kingdom

Date of birth: 1946

Considering Walter Bishop is the man who effectively broke the universe and then subsequently repaired it, he’s more than qualified for the job. He would be perfect for bridging the gap between mad science and mad religion to create a coalition of creative insanity. Once more, and let’s be honest here. The role of “Pope” is a little bit of a step down from “Saviour of the universe”, but if you offer him enough cake and liqourice I’m sure he’d consider it.

Not to mention, this is a man who had to remove pieces of his brain to avoid the temptation of becoming a God and reinventing the world in his image. Yes, he actually had the scientific power to pull that off. Clearly, the church has found its new master.

#2  - Emperor Palpatine – Star Wars

Emperor Palpatine Pope

Current position: Dark Lord Of The Sith

Place of birth: Naboo

Date of birth: 65 BBY

Considering that the Pope resigning is an event that has never before happened in history, it only seems fitting that they resurrect the ancient rule that if the Pope resigns, then his fictional identical twin takes his place. He was hiding out on a space station, but I think we’ve found our man.

This is also a man who is used to manipulating events on a galactic scale, he can more than handle the responsibilities of the church and it may be a nice idea to retire from Galactic rule. It’s very stressful, what with all these “heroes” trying to kill you all the time.

#1 – God (Bruce Almighty)

God Bruce Almighty

Current position: God

Place of birth: A space egg

Date of birth: Unknown

Come on now; it’s the obvious choice! Let him sort his own mess out!

Granted, his visage might give some of the more “traditional” members of the clergy a bit of a shock, but fuck it. Let him deal with them!

So there you have it: our picks for Pope. We’re pretty certain one of these guys is exactly what the Catholic church needs, and it’d certainly be an…interesting tenure. Let us know who your film and tv character pontiff would be!

Quigs Author banner