The Pope resigns! Who should be his replacement?
The Pope’s side project The Smoking Popes are understandably fond of smoke machines
Lord almighty, talk about biggest news story of the year so far! The Pope resigns and I’m sitting on the toilet when the news breaks; talk about shitty timing.
Yes, this morning, just after 11:00 GMT, His Holiness Benedict XVI announced that he will be stepping down from the papacy due to poor physical health, and as of February 28th 2013 the process to find and elect his replacement will begin. The top three candidates according to bookmakers Paddy Power are Cardinal Peter Turkson (9/4), Cardinal Marc Ouellet (5/2) and Cardinal Francis Arinze (7/2), but we reckon we’ve got the scoop on the top five candidates who would really shake up the Holy See.
#5 - Dave Grohl
Current position: many fingers, many pies (Foo Fighters, Them Crooked Vultures, Nirvana etc.)
Place of birth: Warren, Ohio
Date of birth: January 14th, 1969
He looks like Jesus. As we so often hear, y’all motherfuckers need more Jesus; case closed.
Plus, the Pope is basically a medium, right? So, with his strong connection to Kurt Cobain, he could finally ask the man himself: did he ‘fall’ or was he ‘pushed’…?
#4 - Mike Patton of Everything Awesome Ever
Current position: same number of fingers, even more pies (Fantômas, Mr Bungle, The Dillinger Escape Plan, Faith No More etc.)
Place of birth: Eureka, California
Date of birth: January 27th, 1968
If there’s one thing the Catholic Church is not short of, it’s scandal: hilariously outdated social stances; clergy touching kids; holy wars. What would Mike Patton bring to the table?
A touch of God damn class, that’s what. The dude just oozes panache, and that’s what you’d see from one of the most reviled organisations of the present day. He’s only 45, and with old Benny 16th having a good forty years on him, Mikey’s would have a good long stretch ahead of him to sort out the big mess it’s in.
Some bumblescut priest denounces the gays for the Nth time? There’ll be no more of that nonsense; off with you! Creepy mofo caught trying to molest the choir boys? Excommunicate that motherfucker; we ain’t standing for that shit. Everyone’s welcome to hold whatever position they’re fit for, be they non-male, non-white, or non-old, because that seems to be the status quo in he Vatican (for the most part, anyway).
As evidenced in his 2010 solo album Mondo Cane, which was made up of covers of 50s and 60s Italian pop music, the man is well adept at his Italian, making The Vatican, Rome, and Italy in general the perfect place for him. If his class were in doubt, this album blows your poo-pooing out of the water.
#3 - Randy Blythe of Lamb Of God
Current position: vocalist of Lamb Of God
Place of birth: Virginia, United States
Date of birth: February 21st, 1971
Randy may be the subject of a manslaughter trial in the Czech Republic at the moment, but let it not be forgotten that just over a year ago Randy announced his intent to run for President of the United States of America. Whilst he was obviously unsuccessful this time around, and no-one has ever held both positions (especially from a Czech prison cell), don’t rule Randy out just yet.
It’s well documented and evident for all to see that Randy is a thoughtful, caring individual, and very much a getting-it-done sort of guy. Lamb of God were built on reputation from the ground up, playing show after show, tour after tour - something he is very proud of – and so his work ethic is unquestionable.
Whilst that’s not all a Pope needs, it certainly wouldn’t hurt, and Randy’s strong principles would go a lot further; the Catholic Church is very strong on its principles, almost to the point of dogmatic…
#2 - Oderus Urungus of GWAR
Current position: intergalactic barbarian and frontman of Gwar
Place of birth: Syntho Womb 5, Scumdogia
Date of birth: circa 43 billion years ago
Whilst The Crusades are a distant memory, it’s well known that Pope Urban II (more into hip hop than metal we’re afraid) gave his blessing to the military campaigns in the Holy Land which lasted intermittently throughout the 11th, 12th and 13th centuries. That’s pretty metal, and if any one candidate were to encapsulate this aspect of papal history then it’s Oderus Ungerus of Gwar.
The band are known for their gruesome stage show, and we feel that the warlike aspect of the Catholic Church is one that is the most interesting, and conversely one that has been sorely lacking from their efforts of late. Oderus would certainly change this; mounting the heads of world leaders on spikes and spraying his congregation with the effluence of his Cuttlefish of Cthulhu – a great potential addition to the items of office.
Given his origins as the son of a supercomputer and a petri dish, Urungus would also be perfectly positioned to bridge the gap between religion and science, which is arguably a much more important part of the modern world, and as such would bring many more followers to the church – surely a massive part of the job?
#1 – Papa Emeritus of Ghost
Current position: frontghoul of Ghost
Place of birth: Sweden
Date of birth: Unknown
Come on now; he’s the obvious choice isn’t he? Frontman of one of the most mysterious and occult acts out there; he’s practically ready made. His followers are garbed in flowing robes, and his garments are not so dissimilar to those the Pope wears. Experienced in rituals and public speaking, and with a fine voice to boot, we think that Papa Emeritus is tailor made for the job. Add to that his flair for the supernatural and the fact that the Papa/papal copy basically writes itself and you’ve got a sure-fire success on your hands.
The upside-down crosses and somewhat Satanic tilt might cause a bit of a problem being accepted by the over one billion Catholics worldwide, but Benedict XVI was part of the Hitler Youth in Nazi Germany, and if he can be forgiven then surely all that can be overlooked?
Best of all, there’s actually two of him! Papa Emeritus I recently stepped down and handed to Papa Emeritus II in preparation for their new album Infestissumam, so the original is now free for the job and we get the best of both worlds!