Imagine the best friend you’ve ever had. Now make that person a man, if he wasn’t already. And taller. Give him short red hair and a beard, and make sure he finds amusement in the mundane; sort of like a six year old. Congratulations, you’ve just made your best friend me, which makes me your best friend! What a lucky ducky you are for such an honor.
Now that we’re besties and all, you should probably know a bit more about me, if only so we can make sure we do fun things that we both like to do, because nobody wants to hang out with someone who’s only in it for themselves. The easiest thing to start with is music; you’re only here because you love metal and extreme music the same way I do, so when we hang out it should definitely involve spinning some records and ordering deep dish. We should also get some solid craft beers, preferably IPAs, but if you’re picking them up on your way, then whatever. Dealer’s choice, am I right?
I try to listen to as many different bands as I can, and I’m always willing to try something once, but the genres I’d say I return to most are doom/sludge, post-metal, black metal, and progressive death metal. Obviously this list is in no way all-inclusive, so don’t troll the comments of an article I write about Meshuggah with things like “Durf only likes genres x, y, and z; he doesn’t know shit about djent!” Also, don’t call Meshuggah djent, because that’s like slapping God in the face and calling him an emu. Nice usage of a semi-colon in your comment though; I thought that was great and we can still be best friends.
I graduated from DePaul University with a BA in English Lit, which means I know more about writing than you. Just kidding, it means I spent a fuckload of money on a degree that probably needs another degree after it to be worth something in this job market. I tell you this because 1) we’re best friends, remember? 2) If you have any money you’d like to give me, I’ll take it, and 3) one of my favorite parts of my college experience was discussing ideas with a wide swath of passionate people, which is something I’m looking forward to doing here at The Monolith. I’m finally starting to come around to this whole “communication via the internet” thing, so I think we’ll all have some gnarly discussions on a litany of topics. Or you’ll tell me to fellate myself in any number of ways because I don’t like your favorite band. Whatever happens, I can’t wait for it, because I love talking music and ideas with people – but seriously, best friends shouldn’t tell each other to suck their own dicks; that’s rude.
The sharing of ideas is actually a big reason I write about music. When I started listening to metal, it was rare that I would listen to a band just because someone told me its name; I wanted a description, something to wrap my head around before deciding whether to listen or (rarely) buy an album unheard. Some of my favorite bands now are so because of the recommendations of people I trusted who gave me good input, and that’s what I try to do with my reviews. Best friends should tell each other when there’s awesome new music out there. I may deviate from reviews now and again to write features on things I’m passionate about, which is both because I love writing about things I’m passionate about and because getting an English degree means writing like five papers a week, so I go through withdrawal if I don’t. Really, writing for this site is just my drug of choice so I don’t spend my days in a quivering, sweaty, feverish heap.
I tend to prefer my music analog on plastic discs called ‘records’ rather than digital on plastic rectangles called ‘iPods’, but unfortunately portable turntables are cumbersome and hard to keep level, so sometimes I just have to make due. I try not to be an asshole about my love of vinyl, but they do sound better, and album art as a thumbnail on a three inch screen is just retarded. This is something I like to call a ‘hobby’, and also one of the things that I’m always more than happy to chat or discuss with my best friend.
Outside of music I’m a big sports fan; primarily baseball and college football/basketball. I root for the Detroit Tigers in baseball, but since DePaul doesn’t have a football team, I tend to just watch those games and root for the Big Ten. I like to cook and grill, and I’m a huge fan of good beer, although PBR or Rolling Rock will do in a pinch (or a bender).
So yeah, what you’ve just read is basically an introduction to me, your best friend. I’m as excited for this as you are, so let’s get this show on the road.
Oh, right, the name. I’m sure a lot of you have seen PT Anderson’s Boogie Nights, and recognize my name as a riff on Mark Wahlberg’s character from that flick. The reasons I picked that nom de plume are simple: I like the movie and I have a giant cock.
Now we’re REALLY best friends.