If you were to ask my closest friends what they see in me, I would imagine the most common answer would be “neck”, considering I’m on average an entire head taller than everyone I meet. Let’s get this out of the way now: I’m six foot seven, and before you start, let me stop you right there, hypothetical average-heighted-reader. Yes, that is tall. Thank you ever so much for noticing, as before your astute deduction, I had simply thought that I was a normal man of rather unremarkable stature that had simply wandered into Middle fucking Earth. No, I don’t play basketball, the weather up here is 0.01 degrees cooler at most, and not a single one of the pseudo-clever nicknames you’ll inevitably churn out through the duration of any potential exchange we may one day have will be the slightest bit amusing or original. I’m tall, okay? Fine. Great. I’m also a man; a living, breathing, flesh and blood sentient being with opinions, emotions, and vivid introspective nightmares (decidedly few of which have little if anything to do with the altitude at which the tip of my skull happens to level out when standing upright). I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that. It’s just that I’ve long sought a public forum in which to air that grievance. Friends again? Sweet. Moving on.
Picture if you will a machine that produces a limitless quantity of pure energy, but has no mechanism in place to focus it; a directionless generator that releases volcanic bursts of unharnessed power in no particular direction, without a stated intention or purpose. Now imagine that it runs on cigarettes and bottom shelf alcohol, and a diet consisting exclusively of bacon, microwave dinners and Tim Horton’s. Now give it the body of a man, and a devastatingly handsome one at that. Now imagine he’s even more handsome than you’re already picturing him. Wow. He must be gorgeous, right? Surprise, motherfucker! You’re picturing me! Take a moment to awkwardly re-position your erection.
The Monolith has given purpose to my otherwise misguided energy, as well as a receptacle into which I can purge my overflowing reserves of outlandish misanthropy and vitriol, and as such you will likely come to know me as ‘the ruthless one’. May the mediocre and substandard among us come to fear my unholy and amusing wrath, should it ever befall them. I don’t care if they’re your idols, your best friends, or your gods. Nothing is sacred to me, which is precisely why the executioner’s hood fits me so well. My allegiance belongs only to the balanced, unforgiving axe of truth and justice, and never to the unfortunate neck through which I bury it without trepidation.
Mostly though, I’m a pretty fun guy. I’m able to constructively criticize and/or ruthlessly scrutinize absolutely anything, and I enjoy what I do. I hear the world is a wonderful place, and I imagine I’d like to see it sometime. Until then I’ll stay hunkered down in self-imposed isolation, mocking the rest of you decorated sacks of meat from afar as you feign civility and sophistication. I’ll also make an effort to draw attention to the precious few bipedal mammals among us that rise above the constraints of our rusted societal shackles to produce any manner of noise even partially worthy of entering your cranium.
So who am I? I am nothing and nobody. I’m an attack dog barking into the darkness, twisting and pulling at my chain. I’m the drunk at the office Christmas party, dancing topless on the boss’s desk. I’m the weary faced middle eastern man running your local 24-hour gas station. I’m the internet meme being overused until it loses meaning. I’m the smiling, plastic, broken-souled politician promising you the world with my hand in your pocket. I’m the filthy homeless man shamelessly sitting naked in front of Starbucks, and the high-powered executive douchebag that avoids eye contact with him. I’m the pregnant, fake-tanned slut doing kegstands on MTV, and the red faced protester that wants to occupy the whole world. I’m the tragic clown, and the jovial coroner. I am everything and everybody.
I’m the goddamned Leviathan.
My favorite track of the year so far? “Accelerated Evolution” by The Faceless. Check it: